My New Comedy / cosy fantasy

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

Unedited snippet from the Introduction... please comment as this kind of sets the tone for the whole book.
 

When the world was created, all manor of weird and wonderful creatures appeared and as quickly disappeared. Some were just not suited to survival, such as the backwards cat. The backwards cat had a unique hunting style. Like the common domestic cat, the backwards cat would line up a target, waggle its rump as it judged speed and distance, then fly backwards as quickly as it could. The theory was that it would try to circumnavigate the world and hit the prey from a direction it would not be expecting. The problem was that the backwards cat was not quick enough to go round the world and catch its prey snoozing. What actually happened in  ten out of ten hunts was the backwards cat would either be eaten by something else, fall off a cliff, drown in a river or ocean, and in some cases just die of starvation before it had left the continent. The backwards cat’s prey, largely oblivious to the fact it had even been prey, just went about its life as normal, collecting seeds or being hunted by another more successful hunter. The point is that The Creator, who created these creatures was experimenting. The Creator did not know what it was doing any more than we would. The Creator just went by what felt right. The Creator needed help, so The Creator created some.  

The Creator created The Gentleman and the Deep Dark. The Gentleman liked to live life to the full. Food and drink and merriment were his friends, everyone loved him. He would go out into the world dressed in his finest clothes, with a hat at a jaunty angle and a smile on his lips. He affected everyone he came into contact with, and he came into contact with everyone.

The Deep Dark stayed at home. The Deep Dark did not like going out and meeting people. The Deep Dark wanted to be left alone to reflect on her own things. Did she have enough food for the winter? Did she have enough room in her cave? The Deep Dark liked to be practical, The Deep Dark liked to be safe. The Creator found that by bouncing ideas off the Gentleman and the Deep Dark, the creatures that were created tended to be more stable. Each of the two helpers giving opposite views on how a creature should work and how it fitted into the plan of the world. By taking a centre line, The Creator was able to find a balance in the creations that led to a more harmonious eco system and a lot less exploding mice.

Once The Creator was happy with the work done, it allowed the Gentleman and the Deep Dark to live freely amongst the creations on the promise that they did not try to alter any of them. They agreed and took more mortal forms so as not to scare the locals and lived happily in their own way.

[Paromita Mukherjee 1,662]

2 hours ago, A_FROG_IN_TIME said:

Unedited snippet from the Introduction... please comment as this kind of sets the tone for the whole book.
 

When the world was created, all manor of weird and wonderful creatures appeared and as quickly disappeared. Some were just not suited to survival, such as the backwards cat. The backwards cat had a unique hunting style. Like the common domestic cat, the backwards cat would line up a target, waggle its rump as it judged speed and distance, then fly backwards as quickly as it could. The theory was that it would try to circumnavigate the world and hit the prey from a direction it would not be expecting. The problem was that the backwards cat was not quick enough to go round the world and catch its prey snoozing. What actually happened in  ten out of ten hunts was the backwards cat would either be eaten by something else, fall off a cliff, drown in a river or ocean, and in some cases just die of starvation before it had left the continent. The backwards cat’s prey, largely oblivious to the fact it had even been prey, just went about its life as normal, collecting seeds or being hunted by another more successful hunter. The point is that The Creator, who created these creatures was experimenting. The Creator did not know what it was doing any more than we would. The Creator just went by what felt right. The Creator needed help, so The Creator created some.  

The Creator created The Gentleman and the Deep Dark. The Gentleman liked to live life to the full. Food and drink and merriment were his friends, everyone loved him. He would go out into the world dressed in his finest clothes, with a hat at a jaunty angle and a smile on his lips. He affected everyone he came into contact with, and he came into contact with everyone.

The Deep Dark stayed at home. The Deep Dark did not like going out and meeting people. The Deep Dark wanted to be left alone to reflect on her own things. Did she have enough food for the winter? Did she have enough room in her cave? The Deep Dark liked to be practical, The Deep Dark liked to be safe. The Creator found that by bouncing ideas off the Gentleman and the Deep Dark, the creatures that were created tended to be more stable. Each of the two helpers giving opposite views on how a creature should work and how it fitted into the plan of the world. By taking a centre line, The Creator was able to find a balance in the creations that led to a more harmonious eco system and a lot less exploding mice.

Once The Creator was happy with the work done, it allowed the Gentleman and the Deep Dark to live freely amongst the creations on the promise that they did not try to alter any of them. They agreed and took more mortal forms so as not to scare the locals and lived happily in their own way.

Interesting. Certainly very whimsical. One point - The Gentleman is male (fair enough) and The Deep Dark has female pronouns - is that a deliberate authorial choice?

I think the shift from the cat to the concept of a Creator in the same paragraph was a little much for me. I liked the structure of the later two paragraphs with The Gentleman and The Deep Dark more but it is a different kind of "whimsy" to that indicated by the opening paragraph with the backwards cat (which I also liked). I guess what I'm trying to say in a rather rambly way is that tonally the flow could be a little smoother for me. 

In terms of a hook, this is definitely interesting and I'd be keen to read on. The writing is lucid and the right balance of clarity vs ambiguity. 

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

1 minute ago, Paromita Mukherjee said:

Interesting. Certainly very whimsical. One point - The Gentleman is male (fair enough) and The Deep Dark has female pronouns - is that a deliberate authorial choice?

I think the shift from the cat to the concept of a Creator in the same paragraph was a little much for me. I liked the structure of the later two paragraphs with The Gentleman and The Deep Dark more but it is a different kind of "whimsy" to that indicated by the opening paragraph with the backwards cat (which I also liked). I guess what I'm trying to say in a rather rambly way is that tonally the flow could be a little smoother for me. 

In terms of a hook, this is definitely interesting and I'd be keen to read on. The writing is lucid and the right balance of clarity vs ambiguity. 

They are supposed to be complete opposites, I had already named the Gentleman and figured it would be too much of a twist to make him female. There is a twist in that The Gentleman is actually more the villain and the Deep Dark a misunderstood positive in the world. Not sure how I will tie it all in yet but that is the idea. What seems fair is foul and what seems foul etc.
I wrote the bit  about the Gentleman and the Deep Dark first then tried to stitch the first it in to give them a better introduction. Guess I did not get it quite right, but if you don't ask, you will never find out 🙂

I am still learning, I am not a good writer yet but will keep trying, even if I never actually get anything published!

[Paromita Mukherjee 1,662]

11 minutes ago, A_FROG_IN_TIME said:

I am not a good writer yet

I think the writing is actually very enjoyable and a pleasure to read. And I like the backwards cat! 

Maybe going from multiple creatures (another example apart from the backwards cat) ---> Creator still experimenting---> the polar opposites of The Gentleman and The Deep Dark would work more smoothly?

(I'm no expert either, just a thought)

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

I have a few. Like the nose beaked humming bird that snorts nectar...

[Paromita Mukherjee 1,662]

4 minutes ago, A_FROG_IN_TIME said:

I have a few. Like the nose beaked humming bird that snorts nectar...

Love it! (bit of an animal nerd here 😄)

[Holly Tinsley 562]

I really like this, I would absolutely read more of it, and I'm an incredibly fussy reader who doesn't like cozy fantasy. But this has got that whimsical, surreal, slightly flippant tone that I really love. Yes, it needs an edit - there are a few linguistic choices I wouldn't make and it needs some polish, but you know that already as you've said you want an editor to take a look at it. I think this is a really solid start to a story. If you get to the point you want beta readers, I volunteer as tribute.

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

10 hours ago, Holly Tinsley said:

I really like this, I would absolutely read more of it, and I'm an incredibly fussy reader who doesn't like cozy fantasy. But this has got that whimsical, surreal, slightly flippant tone that I really love. Yes, it needs an edit - there are a few linguistic choices I wouldn't make and it needs some polish, but you know that already as you've said you want an editor to take a look at it. I think this is a really solid start to a story. If you get to the point you want beta readers, I volunteer as tribute.

Thanks Holly,

You and Paromita have inspired me to crack on with this book, at least until I need to make the beta read edits to the Healer.
I have spent the last two days getting that first nit to at least have the right stuff in it. Think I have nailed it. Will start writing the actual story now.  See how far I can get in the next 5 days.

While I value all my beta readers , a lot of which are on this forum so I have to be nice,  having an actual author beta read something I wrote would make my friggin' day 🤣
Will happily return the favour if you want anything reading.

(suddenly panics because I don't know what some of my beta readers actually do)

[Holly Tinsley 562]

Absolutely, shoot me a message whenever you're ready for readers. 

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

I shall have to control myself and make sure I don't just keep posting every chapter on here as I write them. 
introduced the MC last night... Currently called Jef and is fiancée Chardoneigh.

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

Further unedited snippet...
This s really fun to write, I just hope the end result is as fun to read.
 

The Deep Dark shuffled around her kitchen trying as hard as she could not to trip over the hem of her new skirt. She knew it was too long when she made it, but she wanted to get the drop on the pattern right and had somehow messed up the measurements. Bollocks, she would have to take up the hem a little, this was no good at all.

She slipped out of the dress, shivering a bit in the cold of her cave. Several layers of undergarments, appeared to make no difference to the perceived temperature, if the final layer of dress was not there.

A needle appeared in her hand as if drawn from the air, there was no apparent thread attached to the needle, but as she passed it though the folded-up hem of her dress, thread appeared in its wake in perfectly sized and spaced stiches.

It was the work of moments for her to raise the hem on the dress. She did not even need to go through the bother of using a needle and magic thread, but sometimes the act of doing something gave it more credence. It felt like a job done properly rather than a change on the temporal and physical state of an object, in combination with a ripple through effect across multiple dimensions.

She slipped the dress back on over her head. “Oh, fu… for the love of clay!” It was back to front.

She clicked her fingers and the dress span itself round on hundred and eighty degrees, making itself seem to vanish and then reappear to get round arms in sleeves. Sometimes of course, it was just easier to use magic.

[Paromita Mukherjee 1,662]

@A_FROG_IN_TIME I liked this a lot, especially the last paragraph.

Wonder what other magic the Deep Dark has hiding up her sleeves? 😄

Your writing style here is really nice! It's got this smart, quirky, "I'm just having fun" vibe and I enjoyed going along with it! 

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

Oh she has all the magic. 

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

The first ten chapters of Carpentry In The Elven Forest are finished...

1. A Word on the creation of the world.
2. On being a carpenter in a forest town.
3. Your pets are only your pets for as long as you look after them.
4. Getting Drunk at your mate’s house never leads to good ideas.
5. People are the worse, apart from elves, they’re the worst too. Don’t get me started on trolls!
6. It’s bright out there, why aren’t you all blind?
7. The best-laid plans fall apart on cold sober reflection
8. The loneliest person in the world is the one who does not know what they are
9. It’s my town and I love it
10. When you hear howling, PANIC!

 

For those that read my short story in The Writer's Battle about Clanrhir Clansen... he made a cameo appearance in chapter 10.
 

“Shite laddie, I think we’re done for. Looking at those teeth, I reckon by the time they finish with us, we will have more holes than a hedgehog’s cloak.”
Jef gulped, eyes bulging as the tree descended lower and lower. One of the Mist Wolves leapt, jaws closing inches away from Jef’s left foot. He tried to crawl further up the tree but there was a large branch blocking the way, plus the weight of Oggy still on his back, made it impossible to move.
“Oh Damn, Oggy. I’m never going to see my beloved Chardoneigh again.”
Somewhere in the back of his mind came that evil little stray thought. “Thank The Creator.”
The tree sank a bit lower again. Jef looked down into the jaws of doom that were looking straight back at him, salivating.

“OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT.”

The cry came from the tree line on the left. Darting through the forest in and out of the trees wove a figure, fully ablaze.  The flames roared as he ran at full pelt towards the wolves screaming all the way.
“Get out of the way you stupid Mist Puppies, I’m on FIRE.”
The wolves, as one, jerked their heads around and stared at the approaching humanoid comet. Then as the mist started to thin under the relentless heat emanating from the flames, they darted back into the forest in a state of terror and panic.
The man, as it turned out to be,  threw his burning cloak to the floor and quickly piled the wood he had been carrying under his arms on top of it until a nice fire was going.
“That should keep us safe for a bit, you and your pet badger can come out of the tree now.”
“Pet? Did you just call me a pet? Oh, I’m gonna come down all right. I’m gonna come down and nut you so hard you're gonna wish you were on fire again, laddie.”
The stranger looked at Jef who was untangling his backpack from the tree.
“Did that badger just talk to me?”
Jef nodded and went to reply, but Oggy was in there before him.
“Aren’t you the clever one? Yes, I spoke to you bean pole and I am no bodies pet. Thank you for the rescue, by the way, that was some smart thinking to set yourself on fire and run at the wolves like that.”
“Oh don’t mention it. Franc told me that it was important for my destiny that I save you two.  Apparently saving you two today is somehow built into my fate. The name’s Clanrhir by the way, Clanrhir Clansen.”
 

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

Magic system - sorted!


The four magics of the world were as strange as their outcomes often became.
The most powerful was the raw native magic that the creator, The Gentleman, The Deep Dark and until a thousand years ago Gaskin, were able to yield. The bearer of this magic could shape the raw magic of the world to do what they wanted it to do. The only limitation was how much magic you could cope with holding in your mind. This was the magic that was mixed with the clay to make the world and everything on it. Somehow the Giants had worked out the secret of moulding clay, but they were harmless arbiters of fate so they were allowed to carry on.
Elven magic was a lesser form of this and while it could not shape something out of nothing or living things from clay, it could shape one thing from another.
Luck magic was based on belief. If you believe in something enough and you generated a big enough belief field you can sometimes push events in that direction as the natural magic in the area attaches itself you your belief. Most elves and some clever humans could use this magic, and it was quite weak and unpredictable.
The final magic was adrenaline magic. If the mage built up enough adrenaline then, like belief, the magic was attracted to it. The user could then release the adrenaline and magic in a burst, usually destructive and usually weak. The greater the adrenaline the greater the magic produced. This led to what became known as the Kineval cult, whose practitioners would take on ever more death-defying feats in order to generate greater magic.  The success rate was as low as the life expectancy, but the ones who got it right could sometimes see glimpses of the future. This form of magic was also useful in battle, as the adrenaline was always high. The most famous was Tiny Tam who ran naked at an entire army, with no weapons. By the time she reached them, she had built up such an enormous adrenaline-induced magical charge she exploded wiping out half the opposition and winning the war in one go. It is said that she was the inspiration for the game of Skittles.

[do unicorns read 118]

On 2/21/2023 at 2:23 PM, A_FROG_IN_TIME said:

Unedited snippet from the Introduction... please comment as this kind of sets the tone for the whole book.
 

When our world was created, all manner of weird and wonderful creatures appeared and as quickly disappeared. Some were just not suited to survival, such as the backwards cat. The backwards cat had a unique hunting style. Like the common domestic cat, the backwards cat would line up a target, waggle its rump as it judged speed and distance, then fly backwards as quickly as it could. The theory was that it would try to circumnavigate the world and hit the prey from a direction it would not be expecting. The problem was that the backwards cat was not quick enough to go round the world and catch its prey snoozing. What actually happened in  ten out of ten hunts was the backwards cat would either be eaten by something else, fall off a cliff, drown in a river or ocean, and in some cases just die of starvation before it had left the continent. The backwards cat’s prey, largely oblivious to the fact it had even been prey, just went about its life as normal, collecting seeds or being hunted by another more successful hunter.      [really like this. The cat behavior is well observed and then subverted in a funny way. Wouldn't mind a second example to flesh out the world some more]

The point is that The Creator, who created these creatures was experimenting. The Creator did not know what they were doing any more than we would. The Creator just went by what felt right. The Creator needed help, so The Creator created The Gentleman and the Deep Dark.

The Gentleman liked to live life to the full. Food and drink and merriment were his friends, everyone loved him. He would go out into the world dressed in his finest clothes, with a hat at a jaunty angle and a smile on his lips. He affected everyone he came into contact with, and he came into contact with everyone. The Deep Dark stayed at home. The Deep Dark did not like going out and meeting people. The Deep Dark wanted to be left alone to reflect on her own things. Did she have enough food for the winter? Did she have enough room in her cave? The Deep Dark liked to be practical, The Deep Dark liked to be safe.

The Creator found that by bouncing ideas off the Gentleman and the Deep Dark, the creatures that were created tended to be more stable. Each of the two helpers giving opposite views on how a creature should work and how it fitted into the plan of the world. By taking a centre line, The Creator was able to find a balance in the creations that led to a more harmonious eco system and a lot less exploding mice.     [You could pick an animal with some distinct feature like elephant or giraffe and show how the trunk or the neck are the result of this collaboration.]

Once The Creator was happy with the work done, it allowed the Gentleman and the Deep Dark to live freely amongst the creations on the promise that they did not try to alter any of them. They agreed and took more mortal forms so as not to scare the locals and lived happily in their own way. Or that was the plan.

I like this! This sounds quite promising and I would definitely read this. I also was bold and edited your intro (see above). Of course you can completely ignore and tell me to        f💚ck  off.😁 

I changed some pronouns like the world to our world. I think that would hook the reader a bit more, make the reader complicit in what after all will be a shared world between writer and reader. Also changed the it pronoun of the creator to they. I somehow would like the idea of the creator being a multiple that is undefined in gender and more fluid in characteristics in general. Changed some of the paragraphs, think it might flow better that way, but I suppose others might tell us. 

Last sentence of the second paragraph: "The Creator needed help, so The Creator created The Gentleman and the Deep Dark." I think this might work better as it leaves it more open if this creation will be helpful permanently.

Also added some other ideas in brackets. And gave it a new last sentence. Like a bit of foreshadowing and an incentive for the reader to read on. 

Looking forward to seeing more!

[do unicorns read 118]

10 hours ago, A_FROG_IN_TIME said:

Magic system - sorted!


The four magics of the world were as strange as their outcomes often became.
The most powerful was the raw native magic that the creator, The Gentleman, The Deep Dark and until a thousand years ago Gaskin, were able to yield. The bearer of this magic could shape the raw magic of the world to do what they wanted it to do. The only limitation was how much magic you could cope with holding in your mind. This was the magic that was mixed with the clay to make the world and everything on it. Somehow the Giants had worked out the secret of moulding clay, but they were harmless arbiters of fate so they were allowed to carry on.
Elven magic was a lesser form of this and while it could not shape something out of nothing or living things from clay, it could shape one thing from another.
Luck magic was based on belief. If you believe in something enough and you generated a big enough belief field you can sometimes push events in that direction as the natural magic in the area attaches itself you your belief. Most elves and some clever humans could use this magic, and it was quite weak and unpredictable.
The final magic was adrenaline magic. If the mage built up enough adrenaline then, like belief, the magic was attracted to it. The user could then release the adrenaline and magic in a burst, usually destructive and usually weak. The greater the adrenaline the greater the magic produced. This led to what became known as the Kineval cult, whose practitioners would take on ever more death-defying feats in order to generate greater magic.  The success rate was as low as the life expectancy, but the ones who got it right could sometimes see glimpses of the future. There were also useful in battle, as the adrenaline was always high. The most famous was Tiny Tam who ran naked at an entire army, with no weapons. By the time she reached them, she had built up such an enormous adrenaline-induced magical charge she exploded wiping out half the opposition and winning the war in one go. It is said that she was the inspiration for the game of Skittles.

Now this is really good!!! Love this blend of creation, magic and the familiar that then is declared magic. Yes!!! Keep writing Frog, you're on to a good thing here!!!

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

Cheers Unicorn,

It has actually changed quite a bit since I originally posted this. I did deliberately use it for The Creator. I wanted The Creator to be genderless, (an argument about The Creator's gender will crop up later) but I also wanted to distance it from the gender neutral pronouns of our world so it does not get lost in that discussion. The last thing I want is a bunch of self righteous intolerants ranting about it being woke, or people claiming that it is there for the sake of inclusion. The Creator is genderless because the creator has no gender. The problem arises because the Creator has a tendency to appear to people (very rarely) in whatever form it thinks will get the response/ action required.
Later on today I may post the newer version  of the creation chapter for you to see... or message it to you as it it a bit longer and others may not want to be hassled by it 🤪

[do unicorns read 118]

9 minutes ago, A_FROG_IN_TIME said:

Cheers Unicorn,

It has actually changed quite a bit since I originally posted this. I did deliberately use it for The Creator. I wanted The Creator to be genderless, (an argument about The Creator's gender will crop up later) but I also wanted to distance it from the gender neutral pronouns of our world so it does not get lost in that discussion. The last thing I want is a bunch of self righteous intolerants ranting about it being woke, or people claiming that it is there for the sake of inclusion. The Creator is genderless because the creator has no gender. The problem arises because the Creator has a tendency to appear to people (very rarely) in whatever form it thinks will get the response/ action required.
Later on today I may post the newer version  of the creation chapter for you to see... or message it to you as it it a bit longer and others may bit want to be hassled by it 🤪

Yeah ok, that's a valid point. Pronouns can be/are a minefield these days. Sure DM me if you feel that's the better option.

[Paromita Mukherjee 1,662]

1 hour ago, A_FROG_IN_TIME said:

The Creator is genderless because the creator has no gender.

Very nice. 👌

And please post here, I wanna read too. 🥺

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

The latest version of the creation of the world, as requested by @do unicorns readand @Paromita Mukherjee
 

1. A Word on the Creation of the World

The creator sat in the nothingness of the void and realised it was bored. It looked around and saw what it always saw. Mostly nothing except for the lumps of clay-like substance floating around, sometimes bumping into other bits to form larger lumps. Sometimes the larger lumps would then attract smaller lumps that floated around them in a strange ballet of grey. In its own way, it was beautiful. The grey blobs of clay wobbled slightly as they spun in a cascading set of orbits, each particle revolving around a larger particle. It was, however, nothing that The Creator had not seen before, countless times. Then one, for want of a better word, day but more accurately random passage of time that was not the time before or the time after, The Creator reached out and grabbed the largest lump of clay. It folded the clay over and over in his hands, trying to form it into a shape. He was surprised at how easy it was to mould and shape and soon it had created a large orb.

Out of mild curiosity, The Creator set it on fire.

It was beautiful.

As it spun on the spot, The Creator could see reds, oranges and yellows dancing across the surface, every now and then there would be a hint of blue, and sometimes green. It was all very exciting when you had spent most of eternity watching, grey.

It called this big burning sphere, the sun.

Then, The Creator reached out and grabbed another lump of clay. Again, it moulded the clay into a sphere shape, but this time it added features. The first feature was created by sticking a finger into the sphere and moving it round and round at speed. The effect this had on the clay was to make it runnier and blue. The Creator called this water and found it to be wet. Next, the Creator pressed some clay bits together and found that they went really hard. It called these rocks. The rocks could be stacked into huge peaks that The Creator named Mountains. It liked that word, it felt good to say it out loud. Moun-tains. The Creator had been alone for a very long time.

As the Creator worked more with the clay, the designs it produced were more intricate, as were the names. Trees were an easy one to name, but hydrangeas caused The Creator no end of trouble.

Once it was finished The Creator looked upon this new sphere and was chuffed. The creator pushed it towards the Sun and set it spinning so it would orbit the sun at a set distance. The sphere immediately went brown and then black as it burnt up. The best the Creator could do was capture the water that had turned into some sort of gas, which it stored in a small box made of… clay.

Disgruntled at this failure The Creator went to sleep, cursing the clay and cursing the sun he had made earlier that day.

When the Creator awoke it saw that the Sun was still burning away and his failed second sphere was still orbiting it. The Creator, deciding he was on the right lines, took some more clay and again fashioned a sphere, some mountains, water and plants. Then it sent the new sphere spinning in a wider orbit around the sun and this time… it did not burn.

Finally, The creator took the gas version of the water from the 1^st failed sphere and gently blew it over the new sphere creating clouds. The Creator did not like wasting things if it could reuse them.

Pleased with its work, it called this new sphere, The World.

Once The World was created, it decided something needed to live upon it, so all manner of weird and wonderful creatures appeared and as quickly disappeared. Some were just not suited to survival, such as the backwards cat. The backwards cat had a unique hunting style. Like the common domestic cat, it would line up a target, waggle its rump as it judged speed and distance, and then run backwards as quickly as it could. The theory was that it would try to circumnavigate the world and hit the prey from a direction it would not be expecting. The problem was that the backwards cat was not quick enough to go around the world and catch its prey snoozing. What happened ten out of ten times was the backwards cat would either be eaten by something else, fall off a cliff, drown in a river or ocean, and in some cases just die of starvation before it had left the continent. The backwards cat’s prey, largely oblivious to the fact it had even been prey, just went about its life as normal, collecting seeds or being eaten by another more successful hunter.

Another such unfortunate creature was the nose-beaked hummingbird. This poor creature, as its name suggests, had a nose instead of a beak. It would hover in front of flowers trying to snort nectar, before succumbing to a fatal heart attack whilst trying to beat its wing fast enough to hover and simultaneously pump blood through a bulbous nose.

It was clear to see that The Creator was experimenting, often badly and rarely successfully. Some bad experiments went on to be quite successful with a small amount of tinkering. A good example of this is the stationary stick insect. Disguised as a twig it would sit at the end of a branch and filter the air for any tiny morsels of food blown its way. It was hugely successful as a filter feeder, impossible for predators to find it. Unfortunately, also impossible for its mate as well. The creator made a small change allowing it to spread germination particles in the air and suddenly, success. It could breed. Not the fastest or most economical breeding program, but enough to ensure the survival of the species. The Creator did not know what it was doing any more than I would. The Creator just went by what felt right. The Creator needed help, so The Creator created some.  

The Creator in fact created two entities to help him design the life to populate the world. The Gentleman and the Deep Dark. The Gentleman liked to live life to the full. Food and drink and merriment were his friends, everyone loved him. He would go out into the world dressed in his finest clothes, with a hat at a jaunty angle and a smile on his lips. He affected everyone he came into contact with, and he came into contact with everyone.

The Deep Dark stayed at home. The Deep Dark did not like going out and meeting people. The Deep Dark wanted to be left alone to reflect on her own things. Did she have enough food for the winter? Did she have enough room in her cave? The Deep Dark liked to be practical, she liked to be safe. The creator found that by bouncing ideas off The Gentleman and The Deep Dark, the creatures that were created tended to be more stable. Each of the two helpers giving opposite views on how a creature should work and how it fitted into the plan of the world. By taking a centre line, the creator was able to find a balance in the creations that led to a more harmonious ecosystem and a lot fewer exploding mice.

Once the creator was happy with the work done, it allowed The Gentleman and The Deep Dark to live freely amongst the creations. They had to promise that they would not try to alter any of them, for each creature was now perfect in The Creator’s eyes. They also agreed to take on more mortal forms, so as not to scare the locals they would be living amongst. They both lived happily in their own way, although neither sought the other out. Being complete polar opposites to each other, they really did not enjoy the other’s company. The Gentlemen went out into the world and partied till the night was old and the morning young. The Deep Dark settled down in a nice dark cave and made sure she had planned everything in meticulous detail.

For thousands of years, everything was good in the world. Animals grazed and animals hunted. The clever creatures built civilisations and prospered. There were wars and these were unpleasant, but on the whole, things usually worked themselves out and everything went back to being stable again.

Then one day something changed. One day the Deep Dark left her cave, and someone was about to be severely inconvenienced.

[Paromita Mukherjee 1,662]

@A_FROG_IN_TIME I love it. And the fact it ends on a slightly ominous note. 

I want to be friends with the nose-beaked Hummingbird. 🥺 RIP.

Deep Dark and I are best friends. The cave sounds awesome. And I don't like The Gentleman much so we are all set. 

5 hours ago, A_FROG_IN_TIME said:

Finally, The creator took the gas version of the water from the 1^st failed sphere and gently blew it over the new sphere creating clouds. The Creator did not like wasting things if it could reuse them.

Pleased with its work, it called this new sphere, The World.

I like the idea of this part a lot but it's a little more staccato compared to the previous paragraphs which had a very smooth flow. Any chance of reworking a bit? 

The other suggestions I have are mostly cosmetic. 

5 hours ago, A_FROG_IN_TIME said:

He affected everyone he came into contact with, and he came into contact with everyone

Would impacted be better here than affected? 

 

5 hours ago, A_FROG_IN_TIME said:

The Deep Dark liked to be practical, she liked to be safe

Everything before this is a direct contrast to The Gentleman which feels right. This one reads a bit out of place to me because are we saying The Gentleman didn't care much for being practical or safe? Or just that his idea of practicality and safety was not in conflict with going out whereas for Deep Dark it was?

If the former, then this line is good otherwise I'd change to something like " The Deep Dark felt safest in her cave". 

I really like it. If I have any more thoughts, will share in DM but the quirky nature of the narrative is 👌. And go Deep Dark amirite? 🤭

[A_FROG_IN_TIME 900]

Hey @Paromita Mukherjee
I felt sorry for the nose-beaked hummingbird, but there was no tweak I could make to that design that could save it, short of removing the nose for an actual beak, and they did not survive long enough to do that. 

The Gentleman is charming in his own way. He is not really a villain, more he does not always think through the outcomes of his actions. He is reactionary. The Deep Dark is considered and a good deal more reasoned. As for that line you queried, maybe rather than safe I should say she liked order.
The great thing with these two is, that I get to mess around with this and take them both out of their comfort zones over the course of events. The Deep Dark will have to be spontaneous and The Gentleman will have to plan, "How tedious!". 

 

I shall embellish on the clouds a little, maybe talk about how The Creators breath sent them scurrying across the sky and they remain in motion to this day...

I am currently writing a chapter that describes The Deep Darks magical garden... which contains a cow called Glissinda. It is told from the perspective of her butler Gaskin. We will see a lot of Gaskin, he is fun.

[Paromita Mukherjee 1,662]

42 minutes ago, A_FROG_IN_TIME said:

I am currently writing a chapter that describes The Deep Darks magical garden... which contains a cow called Glissinda. It is told from the perspective of her butler Gaskin. We will see a lot of Gaskin, he is fun

Is it just me or does Glissinda sound like an awesome name for a cow? 

Gaskin sounds fun. I hope he is more chill than Jeeves!